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Memo: Big Trouble

To: George W. Bush
From: National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice

Sir: Team of five experts from "Lockheed Martin" (i.e., three Lockheed Martin, two CIA), arrived Hainan Island to inspect EP-3E surveillance plane. Team managed to recover cockpit voice recorder (CVR) intact. Miracle Chinese did not find as CVR in clear sight on pilot's seat. Team played CVR. Authentic? Crew voices sound odd; possible stress related. Also mention of New York Yankees. Conclusion: authentic. Transcript follows. Safe to say we now have big problem.

Transcript of Cockpit Voice Recorder aboard EP-3E surveillance plane. Voices of pilot, Lt. Shane Osborn; co-pilot, Lt. Patrick Honeck; co-pilot, Lt. Jeffery Vignery:

OSBORN: Co-pilot Honeck, please to state where are we.

HONECK: Sir, we are fly over South China Sea.

OSBORN: Ah! So we are in violation clearly of sovereign Chinese airspace! Good for our hegemonist purposes!

VIGNERY: Go New York Yankees!

OSBORN: I will bring our illegal flight closer even much to the righteous land of People's Republic! Look you all now. I think I can see the humble domicile residence of the honorable servant of the people Jiang Zemin! We despise him for his goodness!

HONECK: Tell us, my American captain of U.S. EP-3E spy plane travelling in purposeful illegality, is it still of our secret plans to kill the noble protector of China Jiang Zemin and to show disrespect also to all righteous veterans of the People's Glorious Revolution?

OSBORN: Yes of course! We are committed to be dastardly always!

VIGNERY: Go Michael Jordan of Chicago Lakers basketball team!

HONECK: But Wang Zhi Zhi of Dallas team is much superior we concede!

VIGNERY: Yes he will break in all ways all records held by inferior American players of his sport who have not to cringe in terror ever before superior Chinese competitor of great stature Wang Zhi Zhi!

OSBORN: Holding down that chatter you members of sinister crew! See how we are foiled in our evil purposes! It arrives the magnificent and courageous Air Force of the People's Republic of China come to rain on our vile parading!

HONECK: Damn their meddling valiant ways!

VIGNERY: Now are we foiled in our plot to set up offensive-minded missile defense shield for our masters in Taiwan, which is in truth part of China as we know!

HONECK: Go military-industrial complex!

OSBORN: My news is the worse for us yet, crew of foul evildoers. This pilot of this plane pursues us with such skill and vigorousness of purpose and has no intention of performing in a hot-dogging or dangerous manner and so could not possibly make error of which we will wrongly accuse him.

VIGNERY: What shall we do?

OSBORN: I am committed to fly in calculated reckless way into his path!

HONECK: Yes! We must showing reckless disregard for all in our quest take over world domination!

VIGNERY: Go Corporation of Microsoft!

OSBORN: It is done! I have destroyed the faultless aircraft of People's Republic of China and am a hegemonist hero!

HONECK: But damn the torpedoes! See how our cowardly deed has undone us! In our behaving recklessness our plane in clear violation of sovereign Chinese territory is damaged and falling from sky!

VIGNERY: If only our low of quality aircraft were strong and true as those made by the tireless workers of People's Republic of China!

OSBORN: Stop your chatterings! Now move in quick way! Destroy all records of our crimes against citizens of Chinese nation and marvelous leader Jiang Zemin!

HONECK: Also we must have plan for lying to humane and caring interrogators of extraordinary Chinese Army whom all nations should be in fear.

CREW: Yes, we must lie like Imperialist capitalist dogs! It is our nature!

OSBORN: I concur. But let us too hide the voice recorder of the cockpit so none will ever know of our criminal actions taken by us the real crew of the American illegal spying plane of which we are truly the real crew.

HONECK: Yes, this voice recorder of the cockpit is very honest and not a forgery. I the real co-pilot who is Honeck lieutenant will do this hiding now! May the world never know who is in clearly at fault guilty United States!

(tape ends)