Short Rounds

"The Incredible Moving Hole."

Chet Lynn (1932-2001), had a long career in the Marine Corps, ultimately rising from teenaged enlisted man to major, while earning a Purple Heart during the long walk out from the Chosen Reservoir.  In the course of that career he had many adventures, one of which we noted here some time ago (see, "The Platoon Sergeant and the 'Baby-Faced' Lieutenant"). 

Another amusing tale of his time in uniform that Chet relished telling was that of the "Incredible Moving Hole," which happened during the Korean War.

It seems that Chet's platoon sergeant had a rather luxurious mustache, of which he was immensely proud.  Naturally, he kept it carefully trimmed and waxed.  One day, the sergeant left his mustache wax unattended.  Seeing it, Chet got an inspiration.  He carefully replaced some of the wax with Cosmoline.  The sergeant didn't notice this.  And next time the Sergeant leaned over a fire, his mustaches frizzled!

The sergeant managed to determine responsibility with surprising accuracy, and developed an innovative punishment for the erring private.  He assigned Chet the task of digging a very large hole of certain specific dimensions using only his entrenching tool.  Whenever Chet had nothing else to do, such as going on patrol or other required duties, he had to work on the hole.

Now shortly after Chet was given this punishment, his unit had to move.  And it continued to move.  To make sure Chet completed his task, the Sergeant came up with an elegant solution.  He calculated what part of the job Chet had completed, and then every time the unit halted, Chet would resume digging.  The Sergeant would add whatever amount of earth Chet had dug out during each stay to the total that the erring private had already moved.  Eventually the Sergeant determined that Chet had completed his task, and informed him that his "sentence" had been completed.

Chet would later recall that despite the hard work, in the cold of a Korean winter, every time he recalled the look on the Sergeant's face when his cherished mustache went up in flames, he decided that having to dig what he called "The Incredible Moving Hole" had been worth it..

Bayard vs. the Landsknechts

Pierre Terrail LeVieux, the seigneur de Bayard (1473-1524), was one of the most notable men-at-arms of the age, widely known as "le chevalier sans peur et sans reproche -- the knight without fear and beyond reproach."  Naturally, he was involved in many a daring escapade, and had numerous brushes with death. 

On such occurred during the French campaign in Navarre, in late 1512.

Bayard's mission was to seize the castle of Tiebas, which covered the approaches to Pamplona from the south, the direction from which a Spanish army would have to come.   The well-built castle was held by about 100 Spanish troops, adequate for the task given the excellent defenses.  Bayard commanded two "companies" of men-at-arms, about 600 troops, with a battalion of 500 or so French infantry, and another of 800 German landsknechts, pikemen on the Swiss model, plus four siege guns. 

Summoned to surrender after Bayard and his little army camped outside the castle, the garrison quite properly refused.  Bayard had his siege guns emplaced and commenced a bombardment.  After a few days, a breach was created, and Bayard ordered a general assault.

The commander of the landsknechts demurred, unless the men were given double pay for the month, "according to custom."   Although he had never heard of this "custom," Bayard assented, saying he would pay the troops after the castle had been taken.  The German again demurred, demanding payment in advance.  Unable to comply, Bayard decided to make the attempt using just his French troops.

The first assault proved fruitless, and the troops fell back.  The siege guns resumed their work for a time.  Then, while the French infantry essayed an attack against the breach, thus drawing the attention of the defenders, some dismounted men-at-arms assaulted the castle on the opposite side, scramble up scaling ladders, and soon overwhelmed the defenders.

Shortly after Bayard's French troops had secured Tiebas, the German commander approached him and demanded the double-pay that had been promised.  Since the German troops had done nothing to effect the capture of the castle, Bayard flew into a rage, comparing the landsknechts unfavorably to a troop of whores and threatening to hang the lot of them.  The Germans began brandishing their weapons and forming into ranks, but Bayard promptly had his trumpeter call the rest of his troops to order -- for a short time French and German troops confronted each other, until the latter calmed down.

That evening, Bayard was dining in a tent with some other French commanders when a drunken landsknecht entered.  The man bellowed that he intended to kill Bayard for failing to keep his promise to issue double pay.  Bayard rose, sword in hand, but with calming words on his lips, and then offered the German a mug of wine. 

Thereafter, whenever any of his comrades subjected Bayard to criticism, the landsknecht would defend him as a man of honor, and one who served excellent wine.